Zebra Files 35) Pain Group

Pain Group

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Today I attended a Pain Support Group for the first time, because I disclosed my mild suicidality, depression, and anxiety at my last doctor’s appointment.

The purpose of screening patients with a depression/anxiety inventory is to make intervention and assistance available to those who need them.

For anyone who has read any of these blog posts, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’m struggling. There has been a lot of change, much adaptation, and rapid-fire radical acceptance.

I’m rocked.

I’m unsettled.

I’m using lots of coping mechanisms, and I’m grieving the loss of a lot of coping mechanisms, and I never stop trying. Nevertheless, I find myself feeling hopeless, restless, and exhausted.

For a long time, I thought that I just needed to try harder at everything.

Trouble coping? Find a new coping mechanism or learn to need less.

Build more tools. Gather more knowledge. Apply everything better.

I’m trying. I’m trying as hard as I can. I promise I’m trying, and I’m still failing.

I couldn’t even give you a definition of what failing is in all of this, but I CAN tell you that I feel like I’m doing it constantly. (See the blog post “Failing at Everything, Everywhere, All at Once”)

Accepting that I need some help doesn’t mean that I’m not doing everything that I can. It just means that it’s not enough, and I need help.

Seeking Help Also Means Accepting Help

I can’t say that I need help, and not accept what’s offered. It just doesn’t work that way.

So, today that meant going to Pain Group for the first time, and it didn’t just only completely suck.

We talked about emotions. I cried. There was nothing new or revelational for me, but that’s not the whole point.

Even though there were only four of us in the group, we were able to talk about some vulnerable things. We were able to make our experiences salient. I had a chance to reflect on strategies for processing shame, understanding guilt, and making space for excitement and joy.

I was able to process how my pain and my emotions are interacting in my body.

It was mildly useful, and I’ll go back next month. Of course, I just want to dig in to all of the most difficult stuff, and I have to remember that people don’t do that, so I’ll be patient.

I’ve got time.

Let’s bust down some Cycles together! I got you.

Going to Pain Group Cost Spoons

Sitting for an hour, in institutional chairs isn’t the best for me.

There were a couple of laps through the building involved, because I couldn’t produce their required urine sample when I got there.

When I got home, I was tired, and I started having muscle spasms and the electrical storm in my back before I went.

Moving Forward

I don’t know if this will do much good, or just take spoons, but I’m open to it, and I want to take from it anything that could possibly improve my life.