I’m Not At My Best, But I’m Trying My Best

Pressure

I’m trying my best, and constantly wondering if it’s good enough, or if good enough even exists anymore.

I just finished writing a letter to my place of employment describing all of the ways I’m not currently capable of doing my job. After a lifetime of feeling as though I wasn’t good enough when I WAS at my best and WAS able to give my 100%- I sobbed through the writing.

People have always said I struggle with asking for help.

It’s not so much that, as it is that not needing things or people has been my primary survival strategy this far in life. That’s not going to get me very far currently.

I don’t really have any other SCRIPTs

I need.

I need to spend less time sitting at my desk.

I need to prioritize how I’m spending my limited spoons.

I need to stop running myself into the ground before I recharge, so I can improve.

I need to learn my limits. I also have to admit that I have them. Definitely not my style.

I need to work fewer hours.

I need to get through diagnoses and into care as soon as possible.

I need physical therapy, massage, and acupuncture. Maybe even a chiropractor. Many of which are only open during the same hours I work.

I need to get back into therapy. I’m doing ok. If it can be easier, I WANT it to be easier. Therapy will help alleviate the burden of processing from my family, and help me process much faster. Therapy will also connect me to resources I don’t even know about as I navigate my entrance into needing accommodations. Therapy does not mean I’m not ok, it means that I will be. Additionally, my family has adopted gentle parenting and I want to make sure I support that as we navigate this.

(If you are interested in gentle parenting please reach out to me: protyusagendher@gmail.com

I need to stop performing until I feel better.

I need to care for my family too.

I need to get my pain under control…

The list goes on and on.

So, as a result, I’m dropping the ball, and to be honest, I am just as surprised as everyone else when it happens. Everything works, until it doesn’t. I feel fine, until I don’t. My pain feels livable, until it doesn’t. I have spoons until I run out.

I’m not at my best, but I am trying my best. I suppose we will find out together whether it’s enough.

1) Stronger Than My Collagen

Daily Prompt – Walk or Run – 9.13.25

Zebra Files 31) Physical Therapy

Zebra Files 30) Failing At Everything, Everywhere, All At Once

Zebra Files 29) Hyperfixation- My Best Friend And Worst Enemy

Zebra Files 27) Boiling Chicken

Zebra Files 26) The Power of a Shower

Zebra Files 26) Backwards is also Backwards

Zebra Files 24) Settling In

Zebra Files 22) Napping is weird

Zebra Files 20) A Disastrous Goodbye

Zebra Files 21) Prep Is a Four-Letter Word Meaning “Work”

Zebra Files 19) The Symptoms

Zebra Files 17) Trying To Hit A Moving Target

Zebra Files 15) Meaningless Answers

Zebra Files 14) Schrodinger’s Brain

Zebra Files 13) Why Blog About It?

Zebra Files 12) Bracing for the Week Ahead

Zebra Files 11) Trying To Recuperate When I Run Out Of Spoons

Zebra Files 9) Being Realistic

Zebra Files 8) Life Keeps Lifing

Zebra Files 6) ICYMI

Zebra Files 7) Did Not See This Coming

Zebra Files 5) YES Foods

Zebra Files 4) The First Bite Is The Deepest

Zebra Files 3) Being Treated Like a Hypochondriac

Zebra Files 2) One Bite at a Time…

Zebra Files 1) Zebras Exist