Family Scapegoat Syndrome- Applying Some Theory
One of the most important contributions to my healing has been access to learning social science theory. Starting life with a distorted normal I frequently found that facts drilled into me in my youth didn’t hold up when I stepped out into the world. Although I have always been pretty repulsed by ideas of normalcy, the things that I had been trained to believe were “common sense” were not. My worldview of origin wasn’t true, and I needed it to not be true.
That left me seeking truth, and I found many truths in Theory. I will sprinkle these throughout these passages, and credit them appropriately. There are a few theories that actually belong to me. Recently, I’ve developed The Cult of the Ego theory, which I shared here a few days ago. Very soon I will also tell you about SCRIPT (Social Control Reinforced In Practice Talk/Text) theory, which is also mine. If I ever forget to contribute a theory, please let me know so I can correct it.
It’s funny. Right now I’m not even talking about my personal experiences, but my hands are shaking and I’m finding it hard to type. My body is telling me that what I’m about to talk about is a pretty big deal. It’s easy to see how this kind of biofeedback would encourage someone to stop.
Consuming Social Theory
One of the most difficult hurdles to overcome after leaving grad school is the loss of access to literature. When you’re at university, your tuition gives you access to a whole slew of academic journals and databases, and these sources all exist behind a paywall. Google Scholar may help, but much of what you find only provides the abstract of the paper, or the source requires a hefty fee or subscriptions.
When I left grad school my greatest hope was to make theory consumable for everyone. The people who need it the most, have the least access.
Not cool.
By watching crime and abuse documentaries, I’m exposed again to mention of theory, or patterns that have now been explained within the social sciences. A recent documentary, The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez (available on Netflix) mentioned Family Scapegoat Syndrome, so I did a deep dive.
Family Scapegoat Sydrome
Like so many family dysfunctions, scapegoating is cyclical. (My hands are still shaking). It takes hold in family systems without the members even being aware (I believe this is because of the power structure evident from The Cult of the Ego).
A narrative begins which identifies one of the children (for my Cult of Origin I call us all The Cousins) as wrong, and worthy of ridicule. This child is compared to other children.
Everyone is expected to perform the script and the division becomes more real with this performance. When things go wrong, they are contextualized to be blamed on the scapegoat. The scapegoat is nitpicked. Other children are shown favor for shunning the scapegoat.
Experiencing being the scapegoat has long lasting psychological effects that are difficult to heal under the best of circumstances. I would also offer that being a child in a scapegoat system who is not the scapegoat has similar effects due to the gaslighting and forced participation in a warped reality. Consider which thought processes and behaviors are reinforced.
In scapegoating, the Egos have so much power. They pull out the big guns. Please, don’t think for a moment that I’m not valuing the effects of physical abuse, but hear me out. When a parent removes their approval, their proximity, their warmth, their humor, their comraderie, their trust, their hope, and their praise, the damage penetrates and saturates the child.
I have been in all positions around the scapegoat including the scapegoat itself. Like I said, it’s cyclical. I’ve spent my time as The Golden Child, the sibling elevated as a hero or a saint. I’ve also fallen into disfavor. I was The Parentified Child. I tried very hard to be the Clown, and sometimes, the right quip at the right time could brighten my fate. I moved through being the Addict to The Problem Child. I thought I had somehow risen above it all when I did my time as The Peacemaker. I have even been The Narcissist, perpetrating this cycle onto others.
Even looking at what’s available online for Family Scapegoat Syndrome, nobody talks about the effect of occupying more than one role. There can be multiple narcissists in a system. There can be more than one scapegoat.
One of the hardest parts of trying to heal is the expectation to perform victimhood. There seems to be some widely held cultural belief that if you’re victimized, you just let yourself off the hook, and it’s all good.
It’s not all good. I cannot heal without owning every role that I played. Yes I deserve healing as the victim of abuse. My children also deserve healing from the abuses I’ve inflicted on them.
I don’t want to get “off the hook”- I want truth.
As a result, I’ve hated myself. I’ve not cared whether I continued to live. I’ve self-punished and self-sabotaged. I’ve lost years in cycles I struggled to escape. I’ve taken big risks. I’ve made some big messes. I have hurt people.
I have also tried to heal, and will continue to try to heal (still shaking). I’ve worked to break the cycle, and it almost broke me. I’ve cut people off, and cut myself off from resources. I’ve tried to create a dynamic that refuses to follow patterns like the Family Scapegoat Syndrome. I’ve sought education, and conducted research. I’ve written a heap of poetry . I’ve listened to the stories of others.
I’m so grateful that somehow I knew deep down that it didn’t have to be that way. The problem is, when you grow up in it, it’s the only way you know. It’s the system for getting your needs met. It determines the pecking order. It sets the path you start on in life.
Sorting through all of the pieces that don’t fit together is so messy. (My gratitude to everyone who my mess gets on and still sticks around!)
In reality, I found myself in this cycle over and over again, even though the people in my life changed. For a long time, I just thought I was the common denominator, so I must have been the problem.
It wasn’t until very recently that I started to truly realize that it isn’t me. The structures of our families reflect our social order. This “Dysfunction Family System” is a pattern that repeats endlessly under the stress of being American, and not participating in it has to be done on purpose, actively.
Remember the Presidential Fitness Test?
This is Cycle-Breaking
When we talk about being cycle breakers, we are talking about the process of realizing this cycle is persisting, and actively stopping our participation.
For many of us, this means losing entire families. Losing your family isn’t just emotionally devastating (although it’s brutal). Losing your family means losing access to strategic resources.
Nobody to cosign on that apartment.
Nobody to help you find your first car.
Nobody to teach you how to drive.
Nobody to teach you how to grocery shop, or cook.
Nobody to loan you $20 because you didn’t quite make enough to cover gas.
Nobody to let you run a load of laundry before a job interview.
Nobody to call in that favor to a friend to get you a foot in the door.
Nobody to watch your babies while you have to work.
Nobody to come save you when you have a flat tire, and teach you how to change it.
Nobody to show you how to make a budget.
Nobody to keep you grounded.
Nobody to encourage you.
Nobody
Nobody- by Protyus A. Gendher
Nobody had to love me
I know it sounds harsh, but it’s right
This simple truth
Is the greatest theme from my life
This isn’t about self-pity
It’s not even about my pain
It’s about the expectations I had
That everyone was the same
It’s about how normalized it was
That families were all the same
That every child was wanted
And it left the truth no space
My pain wasn’t really from being unloved
In and of itself
My actual pain accrued from comparing
Me to everyone else
It’s fine that I was born a bastard
A powerless fact in itself
But when socially enacted
Barred me from resources and wealth
And I’m not saying I don’t need love
Or affection or support
But love is not a check off list
Like groceries or chores
The people who didn’t love me
Turned out to be toxic as hell
But the world told me that I should need their approval
It was like being under a spell
The brainwashing of seeking approval
From people who couldn’t love me
Caused years of upheaval and damage
Thinking my worth was in whether they want me
It took years sorting through the self-loathing
To unpack the source of the anguish
To reveal the truths hidden deep within
So noxious ideas could be vanquished
Self-love finally came
Filling my deepest recesses
When I finally let go
Of the need to try to impress them
When I think back on all of the times
I felt like less due to love withheld
An aching, burning, longing
In place of the love that others felt
Nobody had to love me
Nobody had to accept
This complicated person
That had been made such a wreck
Nobody owes me emotion
But when it is shared it’s a gift
Negating the presumption
That really caused this rift
Nobody had to love me
Not my mom, or siblings, or friends
Not my partners, or children
Not a single one of my fans
Nobody has to love me
Their appraisal doesn’t make me less
My worth never lied inside
What someone else expects
Nobody had to love me
But it hurt to think that they should
And I tore myself apart
Trying to do everything that I could
There was peace in finally letting go
Of the things they all thought of me
In the place of that weight, I could grow
To the person I wanted to be
I just want others to know
In the moments when they feel unmade
That nobody has to love you
You’re good enough anyway.
Healing
If any of this resonates in you, strikes a chord, or makes you skip a beat, stop. Take a deep breath. Take a couple.
It’s ok. And it’s not ok. And that’s ok.
It’s not your fault that you were trained into this cycle. It is in your power to fix it moving forward. You are not alone.
You can forgive yourself for the roles you’ve played, and set down those versions of you. You can look into the eyes of those you’ve hurt, and repair those bonds with honesty and warmth.
You can feel your hurt and your horror. You can grieve the version of you that you wanted to be, that you might have been. You can decide what version of yourself you will become.
You can learn to recognize the mechanisms of abuse. You can build a vocabulary of healing. You can model different behaviors for your children, and your partners. You can educate others as you heal.
I know it feels like too many spoons. This is exhausting. I promise in the long run that this is how you get your spoons back.
So take a deep breath. Center yourself.
You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are powerful.
I love you.
References
- https://www.embarkbh.com/blog/mental-health/dysfunctional-family-roles/
- scholar.google.com
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202401/how-to-rise-above-the-role-of-family-scapegoat
- https://www.healthline.com/health/spoon-theory-chronic-illness-explained-like-never-before#1
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/202207/what-is-a-cycle-breaker
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