Gentle Gaslighter
These ideas are so much better Shared!!
Listening to Respond Part 2
In the Listening with Intent post we discussed some of the problems with listening to respond. Today we’re going to explore some types of preprogrammed responses, and what these responses do.
Dismissing
Let’s start with an example:
Imagine that someone asks you how it’s going.
Imagine that this person is one of your significant others (the people around you that have primary importance in your life), so you trust them with more intimate details than you would the cashier at the grocery store.
Imagine that you’ve been going through some trying times, and you would actually really appreciate the chance to unpack some of it with someone you trust.
So you tell them “Actually, I’m really struggling right now because I’m dealing with ________.”
And instead of engaging with what your going through they respond by saying “Well your cousin went through that last year,” and changes the subject.
Would you feel heard in this exchange? Would you feel validated? Would you feel like you can share this type of information with this person?
When this happens it sends the message that what you’re going through somehow doesn’t matter because somebody else has been through it, or because someone else is effected. It dismisses the reality that you are experiencing.
This type of dismissal can also happen when you’re trying to share good news.
Imagine telling your Significant Other that you’re getting a promotion, and your Significant Other says “Oh, your cousin got a promotion last month.”
It cuts off your ability to convey what’s special or important about your specific experience.
Imagine, instead of saying “Your cousin went through that last year,” instead you listen until the end then say, “Your cousin may be able to relate in ways I can’t if you need someone else to talk to.”
Equalizing
This one’s like saying “You’re special, and everyone else is exactly just as special.”
It begins with an expression of genuine connection, that seems uniquely shared, and then takes it away.
If everyone else is special, JUST LIKE YOU, you’re not special.
We all should be. It’s important to recognize what’s uniquely beautiful in each other. It’s unrealistic to make claims that everyone deserves the same praise for the same things all of the time.
It can also happen when speaking about our struggles.
Think back on when COVID started. Did you experience some adversity? Imagine telling someone about this adversity, hoping to understand it, and feel understood, only to be told that “Everybody is going through it.”
Really this is an “All lives Matter” type response on the interpersonal level. OF COURSE everyone was going through the pandemic, but we were all impacted differently, we all had to solve different problems, and those problems were idiosyncratic.
Equalizing removes the uniqueness and individuality of our experiences. In doing so it is silencing and invalidating.
Instead, invest in individual connection. Not everyone is great at everything. Not every experience is created equal. We are unique, and should experience each other uniquely.
Minimizing
Minimizing is characterized by the use of the words “it’s just,” or “it’s only.”
“I have a headache.”
“It’s just allergies.”
“I feel overwhelmed.”
“You only have to do a few tasks.”
In minimizing, the words “Just” and “Only” serve to reduce the reality of an experience. It makes further observations unwelcome, and asserts the assumption of the responder instead.
Even if you think it IS allergies, if you asked how someone is doing, let them tell you why THEY think they have a headache.
Matching
Matching is a response in which the person sharing their experience is told “Well, I have problems too,” silencing them.
“I got written up at work today.”
“Well, I have problems with my boss too.”
“I had an argument with my partner.”
“I argue with my partner all the time.”
This one’s tricky, because the Gaslighter in this situation probably feels like they are relating, by they are doing it in a way that shuts down the individual experience of the person they are talking to. (I absolutely catch myself doing this specific thing. I’m really working on it.)
Imagine if instead of saying “I argue with my partner all the time,” you say “This sounds familiar to me; Tell me more.”
I’ve witnessed all of these, sometimes within the same conversation, and watched the effects. I truly believe that most people using these techniques are trying to talk you down, or smooth things out, and I really don’t believe that they realize at the time how silencing and invalidating these tactics are.
If you find yourself Listening to Respond with one of these tactics in the cue, consider Listening to Receive instead.
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