Toxicity Toolkit 15 – Week 9 – Love Bombing

Week Nine

Toxic Positivity

Week Nine: Love Bombing

Audio Version

Love Bombing can take many forms, and frequently goes unnoticed because it is masked as positivity, and the recipient (or others in attendance) of the love bombing frequently feels alienated, as though there’s no forum for their genuine perspective, and as though they will be seen as ungrateful or rude if they don’t receive the love bomb.

There is nothing I can say that explains love bombing better than the article I’m linking here: https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing

Read the article. The examples are awesome, and I’ll list some here.
Inappropriate gifts
Never-ending compliments
Excessive Communication
Constant Attention
Soulmate Claims
Demands for Committment
Neediness
Overwhelming Intensity

All of these examples are excessive versions of something positive.

Sharing gifts between people in a relationship is positive, and can deeply connect people. Lavishing people with gifts removes their autonomy, and makes them indebted.

It can be difficult to know when the line is crossed, because it seems positive.

Never-ending compliments position the recipient as having to be grateful, and make it very difficult for the recipient to advocate for their own needs. Genuine, appropriate compliments on the other hand connect people, validate them, and make them feel heard and seen.

Love bombing can be quite tricky, because it’s extremely controlling, and very difficult to recognize without some training.

Be open to the idea that lovebombing can seep into the healthiest of relationships, because it’s an effective means of getting our way. It is not an effective means of maintaining a healthy relationship.

Also, as your family goes through this exercise, realize that if you don’t experience love bombing in your home, it may simply be that these toxic behaviors aren’t practiced in your home.

That’s the beauty of doing these exercises together, if it’s happening, somebody will see it.

Also, understand the value of training all of the members of your family to recognize love bombing, so they are less likely to be controlled in their interpersonal relationships, now and in the future.

The Exercise:

Read the article as a family.

Together find and discuss examples of each type of love bombing.

Use examples from your home first, if you can think of any. Use examples from TV or Movie storylines if you can’t.

In addition, to reading the article multiple times, pull out your journal and ask yourself how “positive” moments make you feel.

Do positive moments feel differently with different people in your life?

For Example:

If you’re receiving a gift, does the gift seem appropriate? Does it seem like too much? Is it relevant to your relationship?

If you’re given a compliment or a thank-you, is it appropriate to the situation? Is it over-the-top? Do you feel alienated?

Are any of these things being used in situations that keep you from advocating for yourself? Do you feel like positive things are being used to reduce your power and/or autonomy in the relationship?

These experiences are the differences between positive interactions and love bombing.

If you find examples of love bombing in your family, address them. Use I feel statements.

“I feel alientated when you make a big deal about me cooking breakfast. I don’t mind cooking breakfast, and I’m happy to. A simple ‘Thank you,’ would be sufficient, or you could show appreciation for my labor by volunteering to do the dishes after. The show of affection makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to respond, so I become smaller to be seen less. I don’t need attention for cooking breakfast, and would prefer not to be put in a position to have to receive it.”

If your family doesn’t yield a lot of love bombing examples, know that you now understand how this specific toxic behavior works. Know that you’re prepared to recognize it if it does start happening to you or the people you love. Know that you have the tools to dismantle this control technique.

Be prepared to be shocked about the love bombing you will witness once you understand what is going on, and can recognize it.

Often times people turn to love bombing as a control technique because they feel a lack of control elsewhere. Remember that toxic behaviors appear in healthy families. While much of the research about love bombing focuses on its use in extreme abuse, this toxic behavior can be present without anybody even realizing it…

until you do.