66) Just a Little Mental Break

Just a Little Mental Break- Again

Weaving the Strands Together

You might have wondered why I started writing this series. There’s certainly plenty to talk about here, but why now?

We just moved a few months ago, into our forever home. I have dreamed of stable housing my entire adult life. I’m disabled, and morbidly obese, and that process really pushed me to my limits.

I was trying to recuperate spoons, and decided to watch a Netflix documentary. You might have noticed I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

It’s been 27 years since I left home, and there are things that my brain had buried over the years. I always told people that I left home because things came out about some childhood sexual abuse, and it got ugly.

As I got older, the details of me leaving home mattered less to others, and I didn’t have to perform that script anymore. Why would I ever think about it while I’m trying to survive out here?

As I was writing yesterday’s post, my brain kept turning off. I had to keep pulling myself out of it, and forcing myself to focus. My brain tried everything to get me to drop it, to just leave, to put it down.

I have cried through a lot of these posts, but this was different. It’s like the way my eyes instantly look away from a screen if I don’t have my blue blocker glasses on. I finished it by force, then went and slept for another 6 1/2 hours, after having already slept all night. I feel exhausted as I wake up and write this one.

I’m not ok. This is why I’m not ok.

Victim/Suspect

I was enjoying some much-needed together time with my partner. I’ve never steered away from difficult topics. It’s more like I’ve adorned myself with them, so I selected Victim/Suspect on Netflix.

As I was watching, it all came back to me, and all of the terror in it that I had suppressed.

My next posts will detail the events of my leaving home. I just wanted you to know what happened to launch this.

I also want to thank you for facing this with me. I realize now that my experience isn’t all that unusual. That’s horrifying.

ALL of these officers are predators that protect The Cult of the Ego, despite how the law is structured. How is it that they know how to share this script even across countries?

This documentary opened me like a chasm, and I couldn’t shove it back down. I was trying to, and almost treading water, until I watched The Curious Case of Natalia Grace.

I started connecting so many dots. Things were falling apart and together in my head faster than I could keep up with, much less try to communicate to those around me, who had no idea. Well, they had some idea, but probably not THIS idea.

I’ve spent the last 69 posts trying to explain THIS idea.