A Sea of Dark Pink Flags
TW: Abuse, Suicide
My answer today is as autistic as ever.
Today’s question asks which personality trait is a red flag for me, like there’s just one. The problem is that being autistic and an empath means that most people show me an entire display of would-be red flags, all of which I’m supposed to overlook in a world that tells me that I’m the outlier, AND I see the human behind the behavior.
I see the trauma that causes the defensiveness.
I see the skill deficit, and low self esteem that come out as a low frustration tolerance.
In my experience, those of us with the best of parents still didn’t get our needs met, because that wasn’t reinforced socially in our parents. It’s barely accepted now.
Most of us have had to normalize being belittled, devalued, nitpicked, dismissed, and overlooked. I’ve had a LOT of jobs, and the power structure of the American workplace tells us this is what the worker deserves.
When this abuse has been modelled in our childhood homes, reinforced in school and the workforce, and is DEFINITELY built into the power structure of marriage, is it any wonder that we would adopt the behaviors that are so effective in getting others needs met. It’s no secret at this point that the Cult of the Ego breeds narcissists, and many of us have experienced life as the scapegoat.
Hurt people hurt people.
When we can’t beat them, we tend to join them, except I’m autistic, and they all still look like red flags to me.
At the beginning of the summer, my 9 year old daughter and I took some time to debrief after she had spent the year with a teacher who was incredibly abusive. It took all of my research and every skill we could muster for her to survive that year, because the reality was that she was also being nitpicked, belittled, blamed, demeaned, targeted, and dismissed at home, all by someone who performed very loudly for anyone who would listen how much he doted on her.
By the time I attempted to redact myself later this summer, she was packed and planning to run away.
We had a lot to decompress. As a result, we complied an incredibly useful list of behaviors/traits that even kiddos can recognize as red flags indicating unsafe adults.
Red Flags Kids Definitely Notice in Adults,
Even if They Can’t Explain it
Adults that act one way when alone with you, and another
way when other adults are around.
Adults who don’t regulate their emotions.
Adults who don’t take accountability when they mess
up.
Adults who jump to blame instead of problem solving.
Adults who intimidate children.
Adults who intimidate other adults.
Adults who expect more than what is developmentally
appropriate.
Adults who don’t consider a person’s abilities or capacity.
Adults who shame people.
Adults who give criticism in public spaces.
Adults who compare children.
Adults who denigrate others.
Adults who don’t consider the needs of children.
Adults who twist things to prove they are right when they
are embarrassed.
Adults who don’t follow the rules they demand.
Adults who do not give “yes” options.
Adults who change the rules.
Adults who nitpick.
Adults who overreact.
Adults who won’t celebrate successes.
Adults who punish failure.
It’s actually a heartbreaking list for my child to have generated. It’s a punch in the gut knowing how much of it I witnessed firsthand.
So ya, I see Red Flag Behavior all around me, but nothing that stands out in an ocean of similarly hued banners.
Most of my life it’s felt like I’m the only one who sees them.
This list is by no means comprehensive, but it’s mindbreakingly frustrating to experience these forms of control and not have the language to address them, and draw boundaries.
What would you add to the list?
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