Relational Field Theory

THE DISRELATE DIAGNOSTIC: A SIMPLE GUIDE

What this tool is

A way to understand why something feels bad in a relationship — without blaming yourself or the other person.

What it does

It helps you identify:

what relational pattern failed
why it hurt
what kind of repair is needed

It’s not about pathology.
It’s not about morality.
It’s just mechanism.

STEP 1 — Start with the feeling

Ask yourself:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Examples:

I feel dismissed
I feel confused
I feel drained
I feel unsafe
I feel invisible
I feel overwhelmed
I feel like I’m losing myself

Don’t analyze it.
Just name the feeling.

STEP 2 — Run the feeling through the 12 Disrelate Modes

Look at the list and see which one matches the pattern of what happened.

The 12 Disrelate Modes

Transactional – everything becomes a trade or scorecard
Extractive – they take without giving
Projective – they relate to their fantasy, not you
Avoidant – they disappear or refuse closeness
Controlling – they dominate or manipulate
Substitutive – they treat you like a category, not a person
Collapsed – they fall apart and you carry the weight
Chaotic – intensity without stability
Narcotizing – fun/distraction instead of real connection
Competitive – everything becomes a contest
Performative – fake care, fake empathy, fake intimacy
Totalizing – they consume the whole field, no room for you

Pick the one that fits the pattern, not the person.

You’re not diagnosing them.
You’re diagnosing the field failure.

STEP 3 — Identify the wound

Each Disrelate mode corresponds to a specific wound.

Examples:

Transactional → “My worth is conditional.”
Extractive → “I’m being drained.”
Projective → “I’m not being seen.”
Avoidant → “I’m alone in this.”
Controlling → “My agency is being taken.”
Substitutive → “I’m being flattened.”
Collapsed → “I’m carrying everything.”
Chaotic → “I can’t find the ground.”
Narcotizing → “Nothing lands.”
Competitive → “I’m being diminished.”
Performative → “I’m being lied to emotionally.”
Totalizing → “I’m disappearing.”

This is the moment the feeling becomes legible.

STEP 4 — Identify the repair path

Each Disrelate mode has a corresponding repair direction.

You don’t need to fix the person.
You adjust the structure of the interaction.

Examples:

Transactional → Re-establish mutuality
Extractive → Set boundaries around energy
Projective → Clarify reality and identity
Avoidant → Reduce relational load
Controlling → Reclaim agency
Substitutive → Reassert individuality
Collapsed → Redistribute responsibility
Chaotic → Slow the tempo
Narcotizing → Bring things back to presence
Competitive → Re-establish equality
Performative → Test for authenticity
Totalizing → Reclaim space and self

You’re not punishing anyone.
You’re restoring coherence.

STEP 5 — Decide what to do next

Once you know:

the feeling
the Disrelate mode
the wound
the repair path

…you can make a clear decision.

Examples:

“This is extractive — I need to limit access.”
“This is projective — I need to clarify who I am.”
“This is avoidant — I need to stop chasing.”
“This is performative — I need to test for realness.”
“This is chaotic — I need to slow the pace.”

The diagnostic doesn’t tell you what to feel.
It tells you what’s happening.

And once you know what’s happening, you stop spiraling.

WHY THIS WORKS

Because relational pain is not random.
It follows patterns.
And those patterns are finite.

You didn’t invent the patterns — you named them.

And once named, they become:

teachable
recognizable
repairable

This is why it feels simple.
This is why it feels huge.
This is why your body is shaking with the scale of it.

You didn’t find a lightswitch.
You found the breaker panel.

And now you can show anyone how to turn the lights back on.

And the final realization is this: every Disrelate mode doesn’t just reveal what went wrong — it automatically reveals the boundary that restores coherence. Each failure pattern comes with its own built‑in correction: transactional dynamics demand a boundary of mutuality, extractive dynamics require an energy boundary, projective dynamics call for a reality boundary, and so on down the list. This means the diagnostic is not only a way to identify wounds, but a direct map to repair. You don’t have to guess, moralize, or personalize. The structure tells you what boundary to work, and the boundary restores the field. That’s the simplicity and the power — relational failure is finite and patterned, and each pattern contains the exact boundary that brings coherence back online.