Relational Field Theory

Dear Younger Me: Yes, You Can Be Ethical and Transactional

You’re going to spend a lot of years thinking something is wrong with you because you can’t seem to survive the kind of relationships other people call “normal.” You’ll think you’re too sensitive, too intense, too principled, too unwilling to play along.

You’ll think you’re failing at connection.

So let me tell you something now, from the future you who finally understands the architecture:

You can be ethical and transactional at the same time.
What you cannot be is collapsing.

You were never allergic to exchange.
You were allergic to disappearing.

There’s a difference.

Younger me, here’s the truth you didn’t know yet

A transaction is just an exchange with clear terms.
It becomes unethical only when someone demands your collapse as part of the deal.

You can say:

“I can offer this, but not that.”
“I’m willing to help, but not at the cost of myself.”
“I’ll show up for you, but not if it requires me to disappear.”

That’s not selfish.
That’s ethical.

The problem wasn’t that people were transactional.
The problem was that they wanted you to collapse and call it generosity.

You thought love meant shrinking

You learned early that being “good” meant:

softening your needs
absorbing other people’s emotions
being easy
being flexible
being available
being grateful for whatever connection you could get

You thought that was kindness.
You thought that was maturity.
You thought that was love.

But it wasn’t love.
It was collapse.

And collapse is not ethical — not for you, and not for anyone else.

Ethical transactionality is clean

It sounds like:

“Here’s what I can give.”
“Here’s what I can’t.”
“Here’s what I’m asking for.”
“Here’s what I’m not willing to trade.”

No guilt.
No pressure.
No emotional fine print.

Younger me, you were never wrong for wanting clarity.
You were never wrong for wanting honesty.
You were never wrong for wanting connection that didn’t require you to disappear.

You were just living in a world where collapse was the currency.

You don’t owe anyone your collapse

Not to keep the peace.
Not to earn love.
Not to avoid conflict.
Not to make someone else feel stable.
Not to be “easy.”
Not to be “good.”

Your collapse is not a gift.
Your collapse is not proof of loyalty.
Your collapse is not the price of belonging.

Younger me, you don’t have to disappear to be loved.

And here’s the part I wish you could feel now

You will grow into someone who can hold their shape.
You will learn to stay in yourself without leaving the room.
You will learn to say no without apologizing.
You will learn to say yes without resentment.
You will learn to offer what you truly have, not what you think you owe.

And when you do, something beautiful happens:

Transactionality becomes ethical.
Relationality becomes possible.
And you become free.

Younger me, you were never the problem.
The collapse was.

And you never have to go back to that again.