Survivor Literacy

Setbacks

Progress isn’t linear.

Since taking this on, the transformation in my life has been phenomenal, the changes are very real, and provide plenty of fuel to keep us going. Gathering these tools as a family has been like coming up for air.

I’m reminded today that progress and growth are both awesome and messy. I worry about romanticizing the process, because the messy parts are painful and confusing.

We all forget to use the tools sometimes. We are all creatures who are driven by habit and the SCRIPTS we’ve gathered over the course of our lives. We’re vulnerable beings with sensitive triggers that prompt behavioral responses. Some of us may know and conquer their triggers, but some of us still find ourselves at the mercy of triggers we do not understand, and don’t have a new SCRIPT for. No matter how many triggers I learn to understand and work through, there seems no end to the potential for one to surface out of the blue. This may be the case for the rest of my life, no matter how much work I do, or how many tools I master.

In our home, we sometimes find ourselves in a situation where we know that something is wrong, but we don’t know what. Something is off, but it’s hard to put words to.

When this happens it’s important to disengage from the situation, and decide to use our analyzing brain instead of our reactive brain.

Here are some questions that help me figure out what’s going on, so we can change the SCRIPT that we’re participating in.

How are you feeling? What are you responding to?

What prompted the shift in situation?

Do you feel triggered? What are you responding to?

Are others triggered? Do they know how to manage their triggers or do they need help?

When did it start? How long has it been going on?

Is what you’re experiencing part of a larger pattern of behavior? Does it happen on a regular basis? When/why does it happen?

What would you be doing if that situation weren’t happening? What were you doing before? What caused the shift?

After addressing these questions, use the tools. Before engaging again, pull out DEAR MAN, GIVE, AND FAST. Calm and center yourself. Ask yourself if any false narratives are fueling the situation. Remember your values, and the values of your family. Then engage again.

Invite those in the situation to join the solution process with you.

“I feel like we’re being reactive, and I’d like to change directions. Will you figure this out with me?”

“I’m feeling uneasy, and I’m getting signals that you’re uncomfortable in this situation too. Let’s fix it together.”

Use “I feel” statements to express what you’ve experienced.

Use DEAR MAN, GIVE, AND FAST to guide your interactions as you work to resolve the moment.

Happy Healing