The following topics really help fill in some blanks.
Table of Contents
- Listening On Purpose
- Private Reactions
- Journaling
- Barriers
- Check Yourself
- Bystanders
- Gentle Honesty
- Practice
- Gentle Gaslighter
- Resilience
- Taking Their Side
- Boundaries
- Themes and Patterns
- Backhanded Compliments
- Tiptoeing
- Check off lists
- Being Handled
- Ups and Downs
- Silent Treatment
- Setbacks
- Empowerment
- Being Approachable
- Self Care
- Encanto
- Letting Go
- Do Overs
- TEAM
- The Happy Child
- More Happy Child
- Gentle Reminders
Listening on Purpose
Take a moment to think about how you’ve engaged with others in the last week.
What did you learn about their lives? What questions did you ask? What responses were you given?
What information did you share about yourself this week? How was it received? Did you feel heard?
I run into this thing frequently, where someone asks me a question, then leaves the conversation in the middle of my response. We have busy hectic lives, and a 5-year-old, so I understand erratic conversation.
With so much stimuli constantly demanding our attention, it’s very difficult to avoid dividing our attention, or having our attention simply move on to the next thing.
Think back on your interactions again.
Did you hear others, and the messages they were giving you? Did they hear yours?
Were you listening for what they were saying (Listening to Receive), or were you listening for your opportunity to respond (Listening to Respond)?
These are not the same thing.
How does it feel when someone asks you a question, and your formulate your response to carry an essence of yourself to the other person, and they’ve already left the conversation, or are talking over you, not letting you answer?
How does it feel when you think back on conversations and realize you don’t really know the answers to the questions you posed? If you talked over someone’s answer, Listening to Respond, did you internalize your answer as theirs?
Attending is a struggle. It just is. We are all so overstimulated, and in need of validation and being heard, that our ability to hear others suffers.
Over time, this leads to the dissolution of autonomy and genuine interaction. Instead of sharing our selves with each other, conversations become something that have to be fielded, countered, prepared for.
Consider this…
Conversations in which we listen to receive the message of the other participant(s) can replenish our spirits, and give us back our spoons. Conversations in which we listen to respond, drain us, exhaust us, and steal our spoons.
Which interactions are you having? How are others experiencing you?
Audio version of this blog available on Spotify and Anchor
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Private Reactions
Giving Space to Process
Oftentimes people respond better when they have a chance to process something on their own. Whether it’s resolving a conflict, or addressing a behavior, private space is necessary for each of us to truly be able to work through the moment.
When we disengage socially, we get to have a different space in our own brain, our private brain, which enables honesty and removes the need to save face.
Think about the conflicts you witness or experience in your life. How often is the need to save face a catalyst for conflict?
By working things out on our own before coming back to discuss them with another party, we have a chance to experience and address things like defensiveness.
Alone time allows us to use our analyzing/understanding brain, rather than our reacting brain.
I encourage letter writing, especially if something is difficult to say, especially if you’re afraid of approaching the other party, especially if the emotion of the moment will prevent you from listening to what the other party is saying, especially if you’re worried about not being heard in the moment.
Storm privately. Engage cooperatively.
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Tips for Journaling
There are many times that you’ll be instructed to make a journal entry, but you should keep your journal handy even when you’re not being asked to complete an exercise.
I highly recommend DAILY journaling. Set a time for yourself every day to reflect, to refresh your understanding of the week’s exercise, to analyze moments from your day that didn’t feel healthy, or that you don’t understand.
Use your journal to document when you’ve used the tools, and what came from them. Use it to document when the tools might have helped, but weren’t used. What happened? Use it to document your feelings in the process. Write down your hopes and your happiness.
Daily reflections don’t have to be lengthy, but even jotting a few sentences can really help you process, analyze, and find patterns in your behavior and the behavior of others.
Find a form of journaling that works for you. You can journal in videos you keep on your phone or a thumb drive. You can make audio recordings on your phone as well. You can just open a word document, and type away, or you can sit down with pen and paper. Find what works for you and do it every day.
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How to Deal with Barriers
Before sitting down to create the Toxicity Toolkit, I spent a lot of time examining the different family environments that I’ve experienced in my life. I spent time asking myself how events could have been avoided or improved. I examined how people in each of these toxic environments lacked autonomy or maintained control.
I spent years questioning what I could have done to change situations, balance out the power, or create a culture that left no space for all of that destruction.
I realized after decades of anger, that the adults in my life when I was growing up didn’t have the tools to change things. I struggled, deeply, finding out that they all knew that the dynamics of our family were harmful, and they all kinda let it happen.
The reality is that they tried, but they lacked the tools to be effective, so they chose distance. Eventually, lacking the tools myself, I chose distance as well, and chose to be homeless in another state rather than stay.
The abuse continued. The absolute control continued. I just wasn’t in it anymore. At 18, raised in a hotbed of toxicity, I desperately wanted to change it, but I didn’t have the tools, so I left with nothing.
I found myself in several other families after leaving my family of origin. Each family had autonomy struggles. In each family in experienced imbalanced power that is maintained and abused. Members of each family experienced trauma and pain because of it.
Eventually, at 25, I decided to go to college and major in Psychology to try to get the tools. That was 16 years ago, and I’m just starting to understand and use the tools well.
Since creating the Toxicity Toolkit, which is loaded with skills and explanations that I wish I had growing up, I’ve had to ask myself what it would have been like to introduce the Toxicity Toolkit in those environments.
It would have been rough.
The Toxicity Toolkit would have been dismissed. The person suggesting it would have been ridiculed and disregarded. It would have been this and SO MUCH MORE because abusers do not welcome a balance of power, or a level playing field.
In the families that need this the MOST, it will be the HARDEST to get everyone on board.
When you encounter barriers, remember that change is hard for everyone. In this case it’s especially difficult for people who would have something to lose if the power of the home became balanced.
Be Gentle. Be Persistent.
Talk to them about how much having a healthy home matters to you. Remind them that they get to be an equal participant in the change. Let them know that you will be doing things differently, even if they choose not to.
If they refuse to work through the Toxicity Toolkit, work through it without them. For now. Let them know they are welcome to join you whenever they would like, and that you would gladly start over with them. Really mean it.
Work through the Toxicity Toolkit with as many members of your family as you can.
Everyone has the right to opt out, and being coercive goes against the spirit of the Toxicity Toolkit.
Be Gentle. Be Persistent. Work with the people who will work with you back.
Work on yourself, the rest will follow.
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Check Yourself – Before you wreck yourself
Develop a reaction to look at yourself first.
When something seems amiss, ask if you’re the source. When you feel in conflict, ask how you are contributing. When you feel targeted, ask which missiles you’ve launched.
It’s very easy to recognize when we are hurt, it’s harder to tell when we’ve hurt others, especially if those others are masking, trying not to upset you, trying not to start a conflict.
When conflict does happen, especially in relationships, there have usually been a series of minor transgressions that preceded the conflict. If you’re surprised when the conflict happens, consider the idea that the transgressions that came before were not against you, but rather by you.
Really, it’s probably both.
By being open to checking yourself, by being willing to address behaviors and choices that may negatively impact those around you,
- you reduce the severity of the conflict,
- you create space for gentle honesty,
- you minimize the damage that comes from defensiveness and denial.
When checking yourself becomes a habit, conflicts are dramatically reduced, as are the behaviors that lead to them.
Being unwilling to check yourself makes you inapproachable, heightens the conflict, and creates distance between the two (or more) in conflict.
If a conflict arises, remind yourself to be accountable.
If you feel like lashing out in a conflict, ask for a moment to get your head and heart around the facts.
Then…
Use the tools.
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Enabler vs. Inhibitor
I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how toxic behaviors persist when people know better. Do you ever look at a situation wondering “How did this happen?”
Today we’re going to look at Bystanders. A Bystander is not the person committing the toxic behavior, and also not the person receiving the toxic behavior. A Bystander is another person in the situation at the time.
In reality, we all commit toxic behaviors in tense moments, in triggered moments, in moments when we aren’t being our best selves, or when we’ve run out of spoons.
What happens if you lash out at someone?
What do the “others” around you do?
Does someone tell the person that you lashed out at to “let it go,” or to “let it blow over?“
Does someone tell you, “That was unkind, and it doesn’t align with our family values?“
What’s the difference?
The first enables not only that incident of toxicity, but also paves the way for it to happen again, and again. It positions the recipient as someone who is expected to receive toxicity, and be “the bigger person.”
The second upholds the values of the home, gives a chance to correct toxic behavior rather than integrate it into how we act. It gives a chance to calm down, and use tools that aren’t harmful. It protects recipients from thinking it is their place to be abused.
There are two types of bystanders, Enablers and Inhibitors.
Enablers provide a script for continuing toxicity. Inhibitors interrupt the toxic script, and replace it with a healthy one.
If you do nothing, in a situation that you feel has crossed a values boundary, your silence is enabling. There are only two teams here.
I know that I am guilty of silence in uncomfortable moments, and trying to smooth things over because I don’t want to “rock the boat.” I think we all do sometimes. Sometimes we lack spoons. Sometimes we lack tools. Sometimes we lack a replacement script for the one that’s taking place.
There are two parts to this revelation:
When we are bystanders, we all need to reduce the number of times we just let toxicity happen, hurting the people around us, and
When we commit toxic behaviors, we need to recognize the Inhibitor as someone giving us positive, nonharmful, options in a toxic situation. Use the replacement script.
As you work through the weeks to build your toolkit, you will have more replacement scripts to use.
To begin with, simply pay attention to the interactions around you. What do you do when something makes you uncomfortable?
Are you Enabling or Inhibiting?
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Gentle Honesty vs. Brutal Honesty
Honesty
Honesty is an essential tool in The Toxicity Toolkit. In fact, it may be the most important tool in the whole program.
Without honesty it’s impossible to recognize toxic behaviors and change the script. Honesty is crucial to letting people know when their behaviors have hurt us. Honesty is vital to understanding the effects of our own behaviors.
Not all honesty is created equal.
Gentle Honesty, and Brutal Honesty may cover the same information, but with different goals.
When we use Gentle Honesty, we take the role of teammate, on the same side as the person we are giving our honesty to.
When we use Brutal Honesty, we stand in opposition to the recipient.
With Gentle Honesty, we hope for health and good outcomes for the recipient.
With Brutal Honesty, we frequently achieve diminishing the recipient for our own self-validation.
We use Brutal Honesty when we need to feel “right” more than we need to help someone or a situation.
We use Gentle Honesty to help grow and heal.
Think about how you invoke honesty in your home.
Do you invoke honesty for your own righteousness, or to assert control? Do you invoke honesty to help those around you heal and be vulnerable in a safe space? Do you tell yourself you’re doing one of these things while you’re doing the other?
Does your honesty require that people lose face? Does it help them save face?
Remember that when we lose face we become defensive. Being defensive invokes self-defense mechanisms (many of which are toxic in return).
You are in control of how you apply honesty to your situations. You decide whether to be gentle or brutal. In doing so, you also are responsible for the outcomes.
Speak gently.
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Endless Do-Overs
The Toxicity Toolkit is a lot to take in. Change takes time.
Don’t be surprised if, when working through the weekly exercises, you find that it may take a while to become comfortable using a skill.
Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes longer than a week to learn a skill, recognize a behavior, try out strategies for improving dynamics, or reflect and internalize the lesson.
What if you don’t encounter any examples of the behavior that week?
It’s ok to decide as a family to repeat a week.
I highly recommend going back to revisit earlier weeks when you’ve completed the 13-week program.
You may learn more about a skill, or recognize things on a deeper level. Repeating exercises is a great way to get the practice and familiarity you need to be successful.
Remember that the Toxicity Toolkit is about building life-skills, not checking off that something is “Done.”
Audio versions of the Toxicity Toolkit are available on Spotify and Anchor.
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Gentle Gaslighter
Listening to Respond Part 2
In the Listening with Intent post we discussed some of the problems with listening to respond. Today we’re going to explore some types of preprogrammed responses, and what these responses do.
Dismissing
Let’s start with an example:
Imagine that someone asks you how it’s going.
Imagine that this person is one of your significant others (the people around you that have primary importance in your life), so you trust them with more intimate details than you would the cashier at the grocery store.
Imagine that you’ve been going through some trying times, and you would actually really appreciate the chance to unpack some of it with someone you trust.
So you tell them “Actually, I’m really struggling right now because I’m dealing with ________.”
And instead of engaging with what your going through they respond by saying “Well your cousin went through that last year,” and changes the subject.
Would you feel heard in this exchange? Would you feel validated? Would you feel like you can share this type of information with this person?
When this happens it sends the message that what you’re going through somehow doesn’t matter because somebody else has been through it, or because someone else is effected. It dismisses the reality that you are experiencing.
This type of dismissal can also happen when you’re trying to share good news.
Imagine telling your Significant Other that you’re getting a promotion, and your Significant Other says “Oh, your cousin got a promotion last month.”
It cuts off your ability to convey what’s special or important about your specific experience.
Imagine, instead of saying “Your cousin went through that last year,” instead you listen until the end then say, “Your cousin may be able to relate in ways I can’t if you need someone else to talk to.”
Equalizing
This one’s like saying “You’re special, and everyone else is exactly just as special.”
It begins with an expression of genuine connection, that seems uniquely shared, and then takes it away.
If everyone else is special, JUST LIKE YOU, you’re not special.
We all should be. It’s important to recognize what’s uniquely beautiful in each other. It’s unrealistic to make claims that everyone deserves the same praise for the same things all of the time.
It can also happen when speaking about our struggles.
Think back on when COVID started. Did you experience some adversity? Imagine telling someone about this adversity, hoping to understand it, and feel understood, only to be told that “Everybody is going through it.”
Really this is an “All lives Matter” type response on the interpersonal level. OF COURSE everyone was going through the pandemic, but we were all impacted differently, we all had to solve different problems, and those problems were idiosyncratic.
Equalizing removes the uniqueness and individuality of our experiences. In doing so it is silencing and invalidating.
Instead, invest in individual connection. Not everyone is great at everything. Not every experience is created equal. We are unique, and should experience each other uniquely.
Minimizing
Minimizing is characterized by the use of the words “it’s just,” or “it’s only.”
“I have a headache.”
“It’s just allergies.”
“I feel overwhelmed.”
“You only have to do a few tasks.”
In minimizing, the words “Just” and “Only” serve to reduce the reality of an experience. It makes further observations unwelcome, and asserts the assumption of the responder instead.
Even if you think it IS allergies, if you asked how someone is doing, let them tell you why THEY think they have a headache.
Matching
Matching is a response in which the person sharing their experience is told “Well, I have problems too,” silencing them.
“I got written up at work today.”
“Well, I have problems with my boss too.”
“I had an argument with my partner.”
“I argue with my partner all the time.”
This one’s tricky, because the Gaslighter in this situation probably feels like they are relating, by they are doing it in a way that shuts down the individual experience of the person they are talking to. (I absolutely catch myself doing this specific thing. I’m really working on it.)
Imagine if instead of saying “I argue with my partner all the time,” you say “This sounds familiar to me; Tell me more.”
I’ve witnessed all of these, sometimes within the same conversation, and watched the effects. I truly believe that most people using these techniques are trying to talk you down, or smooth things out, and I really don’t believe that they realize at the time how silencing and invalidating these tactics are.
If you find yourself Listening to Respond with one of these tactics in the cue, consider Listening to Receive instead.
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Taking Their Side
Conflict Reduction
We all experience conflict, albeit some more than others.
What happens during conflict?
We feel the need to present our side.
We want to be heard and validated.
If the conflict increases we feel invalidated, and become defensive.
We close ourselves off to the other party.
In addition to using the DBT skills for interacting (DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST), I want to share with you a technique that really helps us change direction even at the height of conflict.
Take the other person’s side.
I know, it seems like the last thing a person would want to do when they’re feeling invalidated, unheard, and mistreated. In the moment when you feel the most disconnected from the other person, pause.
Pause, and take a very deep breath. Ask for just a moment from the other person if you need to.
What’s reasonable about what they are saying?
Are they getting their needs met?
Have you taken time to validate them the way you would like validation?
What does the narrative sound like from their perspective? What does the situation look like when you put your two narratives together?
Echo your understanding of the other side of the narrative back to the other person, and invite them to fill in blanks you may be missing.
Tell them you would like a chance to be fully heard as well.
Keep using DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST from The Toolkit.
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Boundaries
We frequently talk about working boundaries in terms of setting and enforcing our boundaries to keep others from committing actions against us.
Today, we talk about boundaries in terms of setting them for ourselves.
It’s important to know where your person ends. It’s important to know when we’re overstepping or going too far. It’s vital to recognize when our opinions aren’t warranted, and when we’re transgressing against the boundaries of others (whether they will enforce the boundaries or not).
It’s hard at first, but it’s a lot easier than having to hear from others that you weren’t respecting their boundaries. It’s so much easier on the ego. (I’m speaking from experience here.)
There are subtle gifts that grow over time that come with regularly practicing boundary control for ourselves.
You end up addressing a lot of the insecurities that were leading you to cross over into another person’s personhood.
You end up liking yourself more, and feeling more sure of yourself, because you know you’re adhering to your values.
Staying in my boundaries helps keep me whole.
The revelations that come from assessing where I end and others begin led to the poem I’m sharing below.
Nobody
Nobody had to love me
I know it sounds harsh, but it’s right
This simple truth
Is the greatest theme from my life
This isn’t about self pity
It’s not even about my pain
It’s about the expectations I had
That everyone was the same
It’s about how normalized it was
That families were all the same
That every child was wanted
And it left the truth no space
My pain wasn’t really from being unlved
In and of itself
My actual pain accrued from comparing
Me to everyone else
It’s fine that I was born a bastard
A powerless fact in itself
But when socially enacted
Barred me from resources and wealth
And I’m not saying I don’t need love
Or affection or support
But love is not a check off list
Like groceries or chores
The people who didn’t love me
Turned out to be toxic as hell
But the world told me that I should need their approval
It was like being under a spell
The brainwashing of seeking approval
From people who couldn’t love me
Caused years of upheaval and damage
Thinking my worth was in whether they want me
It took years sorting through the self-loathing
To unpack the source of the anguish
To reveal the truths hidden deep within
So noxious ideas could be vanquished
Self-love finally came
Filling my deepest recesses
When I finally let go
Of the need to try to impress them
When I think back on all of the times
I felt like less due to love withheld
An aching, burning, longing
In place of the love that others felt
Nobody had to love me
Nobody had to accept
This complicated person
That had been made such a wreck
Nobody owes me emotion
But when it is shared it’s a gift
Negating the presumption
That really caused this rift
Nobody had to love me
Not my mom, or siblings, or friends
Not my partners, or children
Not a single one of my fans
Nobody has to love me
Their appraisal doesn’t make me less
My worth never lied inside
hat someone else expects
Nobody had to love me
But it hurt to think that they should
And I tore myself apart
Trying to do everything that I could
There was peace in finally letting go
Of the things they all thought of me
In the place of that weight I could grow
To the person I wanted to be
I just want others to know
In the moments when they feel unmade
That nobody has to love you
And you’re good enough anyway.
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Themes and Patterns
Journaling
One of the most compelling ways to change our behavior is in finding themes and patterns of behavior.
When we identify our themes and patterns of behavior; we can identify our triggers. When we identify triggers; we can find their causes, address our traumas, and practice replacement scripts to lead to different outcomes.
Journaling helps.
When we’re ranting we’re not analyzing, we’re outloading data. Whether we do this out loud, or in writing, we’re committing a data dump. Data are awesome, and it’s important to collect them. Whether you use a written journal, or an audio or video log, it’s crucial to record the data dump.
You’ll remember things differently later. You’ll forget things entirely. You’ll fill in blanks. The data will change in your mind.
DOCUMENT YOUR DATA DUMPS!!!
Then, periodically read your data dumps. Look for things that happen over and over again. What do you frequently respond to? What do you feel in these moments? What triggers these moments? What happens afterward? How do you feel about it?
What was going on? Was there gaslighting? Is it Love Bombing? Were you using DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST? Were you overstepping or overreaching?
If something keeps happening, it’s going to keep happening until you stop it. Figure out what’s going on, then apply the tools to stop it.
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Backhanded Compliments
The Spirit Behind What We Say
It’s astonishing to me how often I watch an exchange in which one person thinks they’re giving a compliment, but with it they tag a little piece of information that diminishes the recipient’s personhood.
A compliment isn’t a compliment if it comes with caveats. When a compliment doesn’t stand on it’s own, and is instead accompanied by some form of negging, the compliment becomes the vessel for the delivery of your negative opinion.
It’s a Love Bomb, and BOOM! you’ve been hit!
You’re being handled.
You’re socially expected to respond positively to the compliment portion, thus controlling, or at least compelling your behavior. If you interact with the negative opinion, you’ll seem ungrateful, so you just have to take it, otherwise you’re being difficult.
Classic Love Bomb!
So what do you do about it?
“I love that you appreciate (compliment statement) about me. It’s unfortunate that you think of (negative statement) at the same time.”
You do not have to act like part of the statement didn’t exist.
Stay calm.
Accept the positive reflection, and offer to discuss their negative opinions of you if there’s something they need you to know.
People don’t say things that aren’t on their brains. It has to exist inside before it can exist outside. So, the negative comment, which probably felt like a jab, came from someplace real.
Ignoring it allows it to just stay there unresolved.
Even though it hurts, instead of being controlled in the moment, recognize that the other party is telling you something real about how they think of you. It’s not nothing.
By acknowledging the negative statement, you give it light, instead of letting it fester.
By doing it calmly, you leave space to explore something negative that exists in your relationship, and perhaps heal it.
You also send a message that you’re not just going to let them injure you, and you don’t have to receive negative messages without having your own side represented.
It invites the other party to treat you like an adult, and bring relationship negativities to you, rather than slipping them to you without being accountable for them.
It gives you a chance to be heard, without being confrontational.
“I love that you appreciate (compliment statement) about me. It’s unfortunate that you think of (negative statement) at the same time. I hope that we can explore that more to see where it’s coming from.”
Be brave, stay calm.
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Tiptoeing
Life off limits
I watch, as people posture politely around each other, for the sake of being pleasant, or for the sake of not rocking the boat. It’s important to be polite and considerate of others, but at what cost?
I watch as people tiptoe around off-limits topics, or performing certain versions of narratives, ignoring truths for those around them. I watch as what could be authentic interactions become programmed SCRIPTTs (Social Control Reinforced In Practice and Talk/Text). SCRIPTTs determine what’s “Appropriate” in a situation. SCRIPTTs determine what’s allowable, or punishable. SCRIPTTs keep us from engaging authentically, in exchange for social approval.
Do you ever leave a gathering of people and think to yourself how “pleasant,” it was, and yet feel like people weren’t really connecting? Do you leave feeling like you didn’t share of yourself, or that you were going through the motions?
You were likely performing SCRIPTTs which will gain the overall approval of the group, but they are barriers to deep interpersonal communication, where the sharing of ourselves actually happens.
SCRIPTTs aren’t all bad. In a multitude of ways they enable us to get our needs met, and in fact, it’s impossible to secure resources without SCRIPTTs. In the world, SCRIPTTs are essential, but they are performances that we put on, not expressions of our true selves. At best, there’s a little personal flair to how YOU perform the SCRIPTT, but it’s still a social performance.
Here’s the thing, I hear people talking about the need for connection all the time, and even their talk of it has become the performance of the SCRIPTT. In lieu of actually bonding and connecting, they perform the SCRIPTT of the importance of bonding and connecting.
It can be both. There are usually moments of connection, mixed with SCRIPTT performance. SCRIPTTs also give us a break from the intensity of sharing ourselves, and familiar SCRIPTTs can give us pleasurable feedback, and invoke nostalgia.
If someone feels unsafe or jabbed when they do try to share of themself, they are much more likely to return to the safety of the social approval that comes from performing SCRIPTTs.
When you leave feeling fulfilled, it’s likely that you were interconnected with others. If you leave feeling empty or distant, ask yourself how much time was spent performing SCRIPTTs.
If you’re uncomfortable with the SCRIPTTs you participated in, ask yourself what they cost you? Who benefits? Why is that SCRIPTT being performed? Is it an untrue or incomplete narrative? How are others participating in the SCRIPTTs? What do they have to gain or lose?
Have you acted as your authentic self lately?
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Check off lists
SCRIPTed Behavior
Yesterday we talked about how SCRIPTs (Social Control Reinforced In Practice and Talk/Text) can keep us from being our authentic selves. Today we’re going to look a specific type of SCRIPT, the Check-Off List.
There are lots of SCRIPTs that present themselves as Check-Off Lists. Holiday traditions provide many of these.
Here, I’ll provide the list, you guess the holiday.
- Chocolate
- Dinner (Extra points for “special” date)
- Wine
- Jewelry
- Oversized Stuffed Animal
- Flowers
- Done
If you do the list, you get credit. If you don’t, then you don’t. Even if someone says they don’t want you to do the list, you still feel compulsion to have to do the list, because your participation or lack of it is up for social approval with interpersonal consequences. Even if you really hate everything on the list, you have to deal with everyone else feeling compelled to participate, and to check in about how you’re participating.
Nothing in the list, except perhaps the time spent together over the dinner or date (not the dinner itself), is about the actual sharing of love. Some people dread it, some live for it.
- Decorations
- Special Movies/Media
- Special Songs
- Festive Foods
- Everything Baked
- Gifting
- Gift Wrapping
- Spending Time with Family
- Participation in Shared Mythologies
- Massive Purchasing
- Endless other checklist options depending on your social atmosphere…
What happens if you don’t participate?
What happens if you opt out of different parts? Even if you don’t share the same beliefs?
How much of your time in December is controlled by the checklist?
How much joy comes from performing a familiar checklist with others? How many memories and moments are made?
Here’s the thing, we perform checklists all of the time. They get us through the day. SCRIPTTs like many checklists, help us avoid conflict and get our needs met. Familiar SCRIPTTs reduce how many spoons your demands require of you. They’re pretty important.
Familiar SCRIPTTs also suppress our authentic in-the-moment selves. The performances become “good enough,” and authenticity waits for “someday.”
We all need SCRIPTTs and Checklists to be effective. The question becomes which SCRIPTTs are helping us, serving us, facilitating our lives and making them easier? Which scripts prevent us from acting in our authenticity?
Over time, these performances take over if we don’t take time to reassess, and take control of our SCRIPTTs. We start feeling as though we’ve lost ourselves, as though we’re going through the motions, because we are.
Assessing the checklists you’re performing is an excellent way of maintaining control over your interactions and the environment you participate in.
Happy Healing.
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Being Handled
Infantilization- Another Cycle Worth Breaking
There’s a thing that happens when a person becomes defensive regularly. The people around the person feel compelled to quell the defensiveness, to calm it, or to back-track it.
If a person is defensive very often, people may start taking measures to soothe their defensiveness before even approaching the person. Really, it’s self-defense… from defensiveness. They start handling the person, instead of being able to openly approach them.
When someone’s not prone to defensiveness, and they’re approached as though they are fragile, delicate, and incapable of emotional regulation like a grown up, it’s infantilizing. It stands out that they’re being handled because there was no need for it, but the person doing it is approaching them as though they think they are fragile, delicate, or otherwise incapable of emotional regulation.
Remember the posts recently about tiptoeing.
Handling is another form of tiptoeing, that results from learned behaviors. People learn that it’s effective in manipulating a response, and may even use gaslighting or love bombing to make the control of the handling more complete.
Remember that toxic behaviors aren’t only present in abusive relationships. Many of us learned toxic behaviors to become effective in self-defense.
Recognize moments when you are handling someone else. Interrupt moments when you are being handled. Use the DBT tools DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST instead.
Whether you are prone to defensiveness, or feel infantilized by being handled. Using the tools will prevent the need for defensiveness, and will help dismantle toxic mechanisms.
Happy Healing
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Ups and Downs
Ups and Downs.
While I’m happy to report that working on the toolkit with my family has already been transformative, it’s not all sunshine and roses.
I’m enjoying a much deeper, more honest and complete connection with my partner.
As my parenting becomes more and more gentle, I see my 5-year-old blooming in front of me. I am so grateful to have SCRIPTTs to lessen their trauma responses, and help them engage fully in their world rather than reacting to triggers. I love that they’re learning to trust me. We’ve got a long way to grow.
This toolkit has been worth it every single day since I started to take it on, and I’m so excited to see the changes this continues to make in my family, and my heart.
Like everything in life it comes with a cost. Doing this for ourselves has meant having to navigate our extended family differently. We invited them into this transformation with us, and for a variety of reasons, they’ve declined for now.
I’ve experienced push back from some of the most unexpected places, and in those moments I’m still hurt and reactive. Here I want to explain why I’m just as grateful for the resistance as I am for the willing cooperation of my family.
When the push back happened, I was shocked. I was shocked because it came from the last person I expected, and it was much more direct than I had thought this person was capable of.
I let myself feel the rejection and the hurt. I looked at the text of the resistance and did some discourse analysis to understand exactly what was happening in this moment.
I realized that while certainly unpleasant, without ever touching the toolkit, and in rejection of the toolkit, the other person was DOING the toolkit.
They were as gentle as they could be. They represented their interests directly. They spoke from their perspective. They drew boundaries. They were honest about things that I was unaware of before.
While it hurts, and the rejection is still real, it also let me know where I stand, when guessing had been such a weight to carry. I had misunderstood my place, because I had bought into gaslighting that made everyone feel good, but it wasn’t honest. It wasn’t the truth.
These revelations hurt, because they were counter to many things I believed. Knowing better enables me to behave accordingly, and is such a tremendous relief. Letting go of cognitive dissonance is a gift.
My point is that even when the toolkit hurts the most, it’s worth it. The relief I’m feeling about understanding my position is well worth the shock and pain of the resistence.
I’m also grateful that this gave me an opportunity to respond, honestly, and gently, following the rules of the toolkit. I acknowledged boundaries. I indicated miscommunications. I let the person know what’s affected by their choices. I commended them for their use of the tools. Then I let go. I accepted the new information, and reevaluated my place. I mourned the difference, and examined what is effected by the shift. Now I’m planning accordingly.
I was hard, and it certainly didn’t go how I wanted, accepting it is a gift.
How are your adventures with the Toolkit coming along?
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The Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment.
When going through the toxicity toolkit, it’s really not possible to dig this deep and never strike a nerve. Transformation requires awakening and, unless you’ve conditioned yourself rather well, awakening is painful. (Although it does get much easier with practice.)
These moments invoke our defensive selves, our reactive selves, our counterproductive selves. I’ve stressed it before and I’ll say it here again, these are the times to leave people alone.
When a person is immediately responding to new information about their behaviors that they have to process, the immediate reflex is to defend oneself, whether right or wrong.
It takes time, and distance from other people to truly process this type of information. Forcing people to engage with you during this refractory period keeps them in their reactive mode which prevents self-analysis, and actually builds walls against progress.
This post is about the power and importance of disengaging, and giving the information time to sit, time to resonate.
Disengaging doesn’t ensure that the other party will perform self-analysis and incorporate new information, but it gives them space to, and without it the whole process becomes undermined.
Disengaging means that the most hurtful and least true things remain unsaid, and give all parties the opportunities to become their rational, practical, loving selves again before the come back to the information at hand.
I think many of us are conditioned to mistrust silence.
My anxiety definitely likes to undermine me in moments of silence, telling me I’m being shut out, telling me I’m being disposed of, telling me I’m the subject of judgement and scorn.
There are so many things that condition us to refuse silence, and its discomfort.
I consciously remind myself, in these moments, that the space is healthy. Distance allows for people to process their initial interpretations, and examine new interpretations. Time allows thoughts and even our neurotransmitters to become once again under our control.
Silence is important. Silence is precious, and I’m learning to value it, even when I feel it is weaponized.
In reality, even if the silence is weaponized, I am the only one who can determine whether I allow it to hurt me, and instead I choose to trust it as a valuable component in the healing process.
Happy Healing
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Setbacks
Progress isn’t linear.
Since taking this on, the transformation in my life has been phenomenal, the changes are very real, and provide plenty of fuel to keep us going. Gathering these tools as a family has been like coming up for air.
I’m reminded today that progress and growth are both awesome and messy. I worry about romanticizing the process, because the messy parts are painful and confusing.
We all forget to use the tools sometimes. We are all creatures who are driven by habit and the SCRIPTS we’ve gathered over the course of our lives. We’re vulnerable beings with sensitive triggers that prompt behavioral responses. Some of us may know and conquer their triggers, but some of us still find ourselves at the mercy of triggers we do not understand, and don’t have a new SCRIPT for. No matter how many triggers I learn to understand and work through, there seems no end to the potential for one to surface out of the blue. This may be the case for the rest of my life, no matter how much work I do, or how many tools I master.
In our home, we sometimes find ourselves in a situation where we know that something is wrong, but we don’t know what. Something is off, but it’s hard to put words to.
When this happens it’s important to disengage from the situation, and decide to use our analyzing brain instead of our reactive brain.
Here are some questions that help me figure out what’s going on, so we can change the SCRIPT that we’re participating in.
How are you feeling? What are you responding to?
What prompted the shift in situation?
Do you feel triggered? What are you responding to?
Are others triggered? Do they know how to manage their triggers or do they need help?
When did it start? How long has it been going on?
Is what you’re experiencing part of a larger pattern of behavior? Does it happen on a regular basis? When/why does it happen?
What would you be doing if that situation weren’t happening? What were you doing before? What caused the shift?
After addressing these questions, use the tools. Before engaging again, pull out DEAR MAN, GIVE, AND FAST. Calm and center yourself. Ask yourself if any false narratives are fueling the situation. Remember your values, and the values of your family. Then engage again.
Invite those in the situation to join the solution process with you.
“I feel like we’re being reactive, and I’d like to change directions. Will you figure this out with me?”
“I’m feeling uneasy, and I’m getting signals that you’re uncomfortable in this situation too. Let’s fix it together.”
Use “I feel” statements to express what you’ve experienced.
Use DEAR MAN, GIVE, AND FAST to guide your interactions as you work to resolve the moment.
Happy Healing
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Empowerment
Conflict and Empowerment
Conflict arises when we as individuals feel at odds with getting our needs met. When we perceive that we are at odds with getting our needs met, we also perceive the people we are interacting with as obstacles to getting our needs met. As we behaving in accordance with these perceptions, naturally, conflicts ensue.
When we feel at odds with getting our needs met, we may also view the interaction only from our own perspective, as we get defensive, feeling like our needs are on the line.
We forget that the other person, or people, engaged in the interaction may also feel that their needs are not being met or considered.
If you take a break from defending your own needs you may find that you haven’t given time and space to the other party to get their needs met either.
If we can release ourselves from our defensiveness, and allow ourselves to approach conflicts cognitively and with purpose, rather than being at the mercy of our insecurities, we can change these interactions.
Remind yourself that the other person is experiencing the situation too.
Ask yourself what your needs are, and what outcomes you are seeking.
Remind the other person that you’re on the same team, you are not their adversary, and have no intention of being an obstacle to getting their needs met. Tell them you value them, and want them to get what they need.
Acknowledge that you’ve been defending your own needs, and take accountability if you’ve been treating the other person as an obstacle to getting your needs met, rather than as a team mate.
Ask to start over, together as teammates, to problem solve and do
your best to meet both sets of needs.
When we do this we take the power away from the toxicity, and empower both parties to get what they need or want. All of a sudden, instead of facing an obstacle to getting their needs met, both parties are met with a teammate who is there to help, and brainstorm, and problem solve, in the place of what could have been yelling and slamming doors.
Remember that when we empower our teammates, we empower ourselves. When everyone involved in a situation has power, the need to perform hurtful or toxic behaviors goes away. What takes its place can be truly magical.
Happy Healing
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Being Approachable
The Importance of Emotional Regulation
Emotional Regulation, a tenet of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, refers to the ability and responsibility each individual has to regulate their own emotions.
By regulating our emotions we exercise control over the impact we have on others, and how we experience or perceive situations. Taking responsibility for emotional regulation makes us more rational, more approachable, more reasonable, and most importantly more effective.
Unfortunately, even as adults, nobody has trained many of us to regulate our emotions. Instead, so many of us had toxic behaviors modeled for us instead. I grew up around adults that unleashed emotional outbursts on the people around them, and made making them happy or calming them down the burden of those around them. In environments like this, children receive much more of the toxicity than other adults, because other adults have power too, and in these homes, children don’t.
Think for a minute about whether you take responsibility for your own emotions. When you experience negative emotions what do you do? Do you take a break for self-care to calm and regulate yourself, and return yourself to a rational state? Do you lash out at others expecting them to commit to behaviors or tasks to soothe and pacify you? Are you a mixed bag?
Take a moment to take stock of the moments in your life when you’ve regulated your own emotions in a situation. What methods did you use to calm, center, and ground yourself? What else might work. Make a list.
Then take a moment to reflect on moments when you might not have taken responsibility for your own emotions. How did you behave? Who were you interacting with? What did you expect of them? What could you have done to regulate your own emotions in these situations? What might have gone differently if you had?
When you start practicing emotional regulation on purpose, and on a regular basis you become infinitely more approachable to the people around you, allowing for deeply connective moments, and more honest and complete relationships.
Practicing our own emotional regulation as parents (for those of us who are) is essential to raising children to be adults who can self-regulate too. It also makes us calmer, more effective parents, who get to be resources to our children.
For more emotional regulation resources check out this worksheet and this website.
Happy Healing
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Self Care
Because you’re a people too.
Life is demanding, and it only gets more demanding as we go. It’s easy to become focused on the demands in our lives, because not meeting enough demands in a capitalist world means death. The stakes couldn’t be higher, and the demands are never ending.
It’s easy to feel like a failure, because it’s impossible to meet ALL of the demands. No matter how many we meet or even excel at, there are always more demands.
Somehow in the chaos of unrelenting demands in our lives, it’s still very important to refuel, replenish, and genuinely care for ourselves. Self care is a little different for everybody. Belting out a song I love at the top of my lungs may give me life again, and be the last thing you would want to do regardless of how many spoons you have. Simply sitting quietly in a garden, taking in it’s life through your senses may be what does it for you. Meditation is amazing, and it’s still not for everyone.
The first and most important part of self care is self knowledge. I want you to take a moment to make a little list. See if you can write down 10 things that revitalize you, that calm you, or that simply replenish your supply of spoons. Try to focus on things that are doable. A cruise might be amazing, but it’s not in most people’s everyday lineup. Think of little things, that require minimal props, and that fit your life.
Giving yourself time to play guitar
Playing in the yard with your kids
Taking a bath
Going for a walk
Reading
Having all of the dishes done
Snuggling the kitty
Giving yourself time and space to write or create
Journaling
Dance Party
Special Nutritious Food
Letting yourself do a project that has been put off
Crafting
Drawing
Painting
Taking a moment with a relaxing hot beverage
Yoga/Exercise
Conversation with an old friend
Getting a haircut
Pulling out your old records (although this can be dangerous if you have triggers hidden in your music)
Organizing something
Decorate something
Watching a favorite movie
The possibilities are as diverse as we are, so know yourself. Take note today of which people or situations depleted your spoons, and which people and situations replenished your spoons. Think about your list, and try to fit a few you moments in between all of the demands that you’re meeting.
Encourage those around you to replenish their spoons and their spirit as you make space for yourself to do the same.
Happy Healing
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Encanto
*SPOILER ALERT*
If you haven’t seen “Encanto” yet, you absolutely need to.
I have a 5-year-old, so I end up watching perhaps more children’s programming than I would prefer, and frankly most of the time I am disappointed. For example, we were so excited when “Luca” came out, but a significant portion of the plot involves an adult who is constantly bullying children, and his sycophants that allow and enable his behavior, while not a single adult puts him in his place. Before the movie was over, my kiddo was emulating the bully, and it took some parenting in high-gear for us to recover.
My kiddo seems incredibly susceptible to the intricacies of power in interpersonal relations. We’ve had to parent-out-lout about themes involving character development, because my child is not inherently drawn to messages about kindness, acceptance, and pro-social behavior. Instead, they seem to automatically identify with whichever character exercises the most power, whichever character gets what they want the most, and that’s the character my child will act like, unless I turn it into an incredibly cognitive process, which I have.
Naturally, as a parent, I’m skittish. When a new children’s movie comes out, I usually see it as something that will have to be endured, and analyzed. A new children’s movie usually means watching my child for problem behaviors and addressing where the new issues have come from. It means a bare minimum of 2 hours spent saying “Wow, it looks like that behavior really hurt the people around him,” or “That character doesn’t seem to choose kindness very often. Why do you think they make those choices?”
If “Luca” was bad, “Cruella” was worse, and before I knew it I had a 5-year-old running around who showed an extreme disregard for anybody’s experiences but their own. Granted, at 5 this is normal to a degree, but the way it became amplified in my child was appalling.
I was excited, in a guarded kind of way, when I saw the previews for “Encanto.” I was shocked that it wasn’t only for people with premier access, as most of the Disney+ pandemic releases have been. Either the movie or the music has been on repeat in our home ever since.
“Encanto” is 100% Toxicity Toolkit APPROVED! Woven into this tale about magic and wonder are messages about being your authentic self, even when it’s hard, even when people don’t believe you. This movie emphasizes the importance of family, but not in a “let’s just all act like everything is fine,” sort of way.
“Encanto” shows how scary and isolating it is to feel like you’re not good enough, regardless of yours skills, talent, and work. This movie also shows how powerful it is to really listen, and give true support.
This movie is an absolute gift, and I am certainly “Charmed” by it.
Schedule yourself a family movie night… and leave time to watch it twice. If you don’t have Disney+ I would absolutely say that this movie alone would be worth signing up. If that’s not your bag, it may be time to reach out to some friends for a movie PJ party.
Watching “Encanto” and sharing it with the people you care about is mastery level self-care.
… and Please PLEASE talk about Bruno.
Happy Healing
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Letting Go
Lessons in Radical Acceptance.
I’m reminded as of late, that no matter what we want from our relationships, no matter how we envision them, and no matter how much we commit to reducing toxic behaviors to make way for deeply connective, authentic relationships, we are only ever half of pair.
While the toolkit has worked wonders for me in terms of learning specific types of toxic behavior, how these behaviors work, and what alternatives exist, nobody else has to want this with me, and rocking the boat causes friction. There may be a point in your journey when you “find out who your friends are.”
What we should do when someone in your life refuses to work through the tools:
- Trust people’s responses, not the response we were expecting.
- Be patient, but know when enough is enough.
- Be completely honest in your assessment. Does the person need time or education? Are they lacking tools? Are they scared of being vulnerable? Do they need empathy? Or, is their control threatened by your refusal to allow toxic behaviors? There is a difference between struggling, and opposing. Are they willing to share an environment of teamwork and cooperation, or are they doubling-down on their toxicity and manipulation?
- Patience, Empathy, and Assistance, for someone who is struggling to learn and adopt the tools, is essential. Patience, Empathy, and Assistance, for someone who is trying to control or manipulate you despite having the tools. will steal your spoons, leaving you exhausted.
- Thoroughly and accurately assessing the situation, perhaps with the help of your therapist, should reveal which people are helping, which people are struggling, and which people are opposing.
- ACCEPT the answer. Sometimes this is very very painful. It can be extremely difficult to realize that someone who said they were on your team is actually quite committed to undermining and controlling you. There is a difference between saying you’re on someone’s team, and actually being on the team.
- Let go of any ideas you had about who you thought they were. Be guided by their real responses, and their actual behavior.
- Most importantly, this is where the importance of building boundaries come into play. If someone is committed to controlling, manipulating, and undermining you, or taking your spoons, it is up to YOU to create boundaries to protect yourself. It’s up to you to decide how much vulnerability to share with them, how much of yourself to give, and where the limits lie in what you should expect from them as well. Do not rely on them to create the boundary with you.
- If you fear retaliation, consider this evidence that the boundary is ever more necessary. That being said, assess your safety and autonomy. For some, trying to set a boundary could result in injury or death. I have lived through several such environments. If it’s unsafe for you to draw boundaries, please consider physical separation from the other party. Even in situations that are in no way unsafe, boundary work can be heartbreaking.
- It’s ok to grieve the relationship that you wanted to have. It is also important to realize that the relationship you wanted is a fantasy. I applaud you for facing reality.
- ACCEPT that no matter what someone’s relationship to you is, everyone has the right to do their own thing and make their own decisions. This is not a reflection on your worth.
- Letting go takes practice, so practice accepting who people really are, drawing the boundaries, and letting go.
Happy Healing
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Do Overs
Handling our Screw-Ups
Being imperfect is difficult. Sometimes we make poor decisions, or we say or do the wrong thing. Sometimes we even recognize a problematic behavior or statement right as we are making or doing it. But what then?
What do we do when we realize that something we said was rude, thoughtless, or mean? Do we continue lashing out to somehow make us “right” in our meanness? Do we rationalize, perhaps even using an incomplete narrative to do so, to try to find some explanation to justify the statement? OR do we start over.
As a family we used to find ourselves in behavioral spirals. One wrong statement leading to a whole series of other statements and behaviors, each getting more volatile and making less sense, until we usually couldn’t remember what had started it, all combined with a slew of avoidance behaviors.
All of this was to avoid losing face, and frankly it’s embarrassing how out-of-hand these spirals became. They got better when we started introducing do-overs.
We didn’t realize that this was what we were really doing at the time. We just knew we didn’t want to experience the spirals.
It started with interjections like, “I really don’t like the way we’re talking to each other right now.”
Quickly it became apparent how important it was to interrupt the spiral, but what then? Well, it depends on the spiral.
In most cases, critical thinking is the best next step. We question why we’re arguing, why we’re emotionally charged, whether we’re triggered, and what else is going on. Then with all this extra information, we start over.
When we start over we apply the tools. We focus on being gentle, respectful, and kind. We represent our needs and recognize the needs of the others around us. We engage in problem solving and empathy.
Now a few months after changing our practices as adults, I’m noticing my 5-year-old using the Do-Over tool as well. All of a sudden, behaviors and moods that used to pervade the entire day (sometimes weeks), are addressed and replaced with much more effective behaviors.
We all screw up. We all say things and do things we wish we could take back. You can never really take back something that you’ve said, but you can always start over, change your tone and your focus, and begin again.
Happy Healing
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Treating Everyone As they Matter – TEAM
Treating Everyone As they Matter
My family has undergone tremendous changes since taking on the toolkit. As a matter of fact, we’ve experienced nothing but change since the beginning of the pandemic when we first moved in together.
When the initial COVID-19 lockdowns began in March of 2020, by partner and I were still living separately. I lived in a trailer with my kiddos, as we were actively working on healing the traumas that we had survived, and trying desperately to work enough to dig ourselves out of the hole that years of homelessness had created for us.
I was deeply in love with my partner, but neither of us were ready to move in together. Nevertheless, the unavoidable choice became to either move him in with us, or live without him, to protect his immunocompromized family of origin, who he resided with. Before COVID-19 our spacious living arrangement allowed room for healing, and autonomy, and it worked REALLY well for us. I knew in March 2020 that I wanted to spend my life with my partner. That does not mean that I was ready for 24/7 cohabitation. COVID didn’t care.
I knew that we would be fine. Life is ever changing, and will always find new curveballs to throw at us. We were smart. We were in love. This could be the staycation of a lifetime!
We were not fine. We were members of two different but friendly teams who were now stuck in the same box. I was overwhelmed in ways I hadn’t felt before, and I was dumbfounded by that because I’ve been through so much worse without being overwhelmed. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why our home, abundant in love, felt so angsty.
We stopped connecting. We stopped being vulnerable. We started going through the motions to not rock the boat. We were coping, but we certainly weren’t thriving. There is a limit to how long I can spend under these conditions before I lose it. So now we were fighting. We weren’t creating any of the amazing things that I had envisioned us working on together. When we did work together we were tiptoeing around egos and it lacked the joy of collaboration. Everything was off, and at the same time, nothing was wrong. This is a very triggering cognitive dissonance for me. I became desperate.
I did NOT want to lose my partner, but I also did NOT want to continue to feel how our home was feeling and I couldn’t figure out why it was going the way that it was. My partner, who has long attended therapy, asked me to go to therapy as well.
My beginning therapy focused on using DBT to sort through the chaos I was experiencing within myself, to find myself again, and to figure out how to use my training to heal my home. The absolute turning point came when we broached the concept of TEAM.
In analyzing our interactions (Discourse Analysis is one of the best tools for identifying patterns in our interactions and helping us understand when our triggers are really red flags that are telling us something) I discovered that we were approaching each other as though we were each something that had to be handled, overcome, or dealt with. We weren’t speaking to each other from the same side, and I discovered that a lot of my pain came from being spoken to like I would be opposing whatever was being brought up at the time, without the benefit of the doubt that we were on the same side.
I saw it in my kiddo too. One of the biggest focuses in my therapy has been improving the behavior of my child, because I want them to have a childhood that they don’t need therapy to heal from. My child was combative, manipulative, and argumentative. If I was trying to show them something, they would ignore me, do whatever they want, and frequently break whatever we were doing.
I was pulling my hair out trying to reason why it was so hard to engage in mentorship with my child. It hit me, in therapy, as I was learning about trauma-informed parenting that my child did not know that I was on their side. At first I was reactive to the revelation. Obviously I’m on their side, so they should know it right?
I had to assess our interactions, and I have to tell you, my behavior was not telling my child that I was on their side, here to help and guide them. My child’s responses to me were genuine because they were experiencing someone who was “out to get them,” who communicated through blaming and exasperation. Someone who made them feel like less.
We were all being very bad teammates, and I was losing patience with my child for not knowing better, when I had never taught them better. And worst of all, I knew better.
The first step in healing this was the family values exercise that is now Week 1 of the Toolkit. In bringing our values together, one of the 6 main themes emerged as the concept of a team, and in doing the exercise together we started building the language of teamwork in our home. (And because I didn’t realize how vital it was yet, I would frequently forget to invoke it).
Instead of being injured and shutting down, we started saying things like, “Remember that I’m on your side. How can I help?”
My child was surprised when I explained to them that I’m supposed to be a resource to them, that they can count on to guide them and teach them. That surprise told me so much, and it became instantly apparent that they would need proof. From the tone of my voice to the words I choose to the freedom to fail they would need to see proof that I was on their side, because I hadn’t been.
As the team building began the angst faded, and almost every time that the angst returns, the most important tool is asking ourselves, “Am I being a good teammate? Am I making it easier for my teammates to be on the team as well? Am I experiencing teamwork from my team as well?”
It gives us a very real starting point for getting quickly back on track.
Happy Healing
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The Happy Child
The Happy Child
If you have 5 minutes a day to give to being a better, more-effective parent, there’s an app that will revolutionize your relationship with your children.
The Happy Child is available in the play store, or wherever you get your apps, and it’s available free of charge.
The Happy Child uses science, specifically results from fMRI scans, to understand how our children’s brains are affected by us, and determine the best practices for raising great kids.
I downloaded it quickly after an online friend of mine made a post recommending it on Facebook. Immediately, I was convinced. I like the science. I like the premises. It’s just good stuff.
When you set up your account, you decide how much time you want to spend on this. I went with 5 minutes, and admittedly, I felt like a bit of a slouch, but I wanted to be able to stick with this EVERY day, AND I really wanted to deeply apply whatever I learn. I don’t want to spend a half hour learning, and forget to apply half of it. Move at whatever pace works for you. I just want you to know that even one lesson a day is enough.
The lessons are super short. They are certainly more succinct than I’ve ever been. Each lesson I’ve opened so far contains 2-3 paragraphs and a 2-3 minute video. Usually, when the video ends, I find I’m eager for more information.
Yesterday, I did a lesson that reminded me of the importance of the Mr. Rogers concept of telling our children out loud that we love them exactly as they are, just for being them. I have to admit that while it seems pretty simple, I wasn’t sure that I had ever done this. So I did. Watching that expression of love wash over my child was magical. My child’s entire demeanor changed. They couldn’t quit hugging and face nuzzling me. We spent the afternoon cuddling and playing games together.
Today’s advice is to make sure my child knows that I know they make good choices. This one is going to be fun. I already know that I’m going to have LOTS of opportunities to make sure they know this. I can’t wait to see how it affects their attitudes and decision making today. I can’t imagine a better tone to start the day with.
I highly recommend getting started with the app immediately, and sharing this app with everyone in your child’s parenting circle. Share it with the babysitter, teachers, aunts, uncles, and enties, grandparents, older cousins, and anybody who is an “adult” in your kiddos’ lives. If they don’t get the app, don’t hesitate to read them in on key lessons.
Through The Happy Child, I’m also learning about the brain chemistry of my child’s behavior and experiences. To a lesser extent, The Happy Child also focuses on building healthy bonds with our partners. I can only imagine what our household dynamic will be after 3 months using this app.
Happy Healing!
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More Happy Child
More Happy Child
I’ve been using The Happy Child for a couple of weeks now, and nothing has changed my relationship with my kiddo more, and certainly not this fast. My child seeks me out now, finding me emotionally safe, and we’ve entered each other’s worlds. They express deep thoughts to me. They share their fears, and have finally started talking about things that traumatize and bother them. They are actively involved in their growth and healing and at last they are trusting me to be too.
What’s more, I now understand many of the things that were working against this process. I have learned to adopt new behaviors and responses, that totally align with my values and inner-self, that have had radical results on our happiness.
Through this, the culture of my home is changing. As my partner and I watch the short videos (usually 15 seconds to 6 minutes, most of the videos are under 2 minutes so far), we find ourselves processing our own childhood, and ongoing generational trauma.
I’ve found it’s best to watch some lessons multiple times. Once, just to introduce the material and experience which triggers pop up in the lesson. The second time I work on actively processing my triggers, while investigating how I’ve negatively impacted my child through the same behaviors/mechanisms of our relationship. The second viewing I’ll have my partner (and sometimes my kiddo) watch the lesson as well. We take time to talk about our trauma. We pause whenever we need to. We ask questions. We talk about our mistakes in parenting. We even role play how to do it differently, and talk about how we’ll approach situations differently in the future.
Even if my child doesn’t understand all of the logic behind it, in the role play, and brainstorming examples, they experience the shift, and they embody how different the new approaches feel. This helps them trust the new responses I want them to expect from us. It also gives us a chance to talk about times that didn’t go so well, and make apologies when appropriate.
THAT, has provided a platform for my child to tell me how those situations made them feel, and for them to safely process their trauma experiences.
In processing my own trauma, I’ve been able to have some long overdue conversations with my 22 year-old, who lived through many a traumatic event with me. It enables me to address times when I know that they didn’t get what they needed. It gives us a language around discussing how much more they deserved, and how much more they can expect from me now.
I cannot express enough how dynamic this change has been, and it’s all based in really good science.
This is the resource I wish I had when I was raising my 22 year-old, and I can’t imagine parenting without it now. I know The Happy Child is available in the Play Store, and I believe it’s available as an apple app too.
10/10 Recommend
Happy Healing
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